Finding a sober companion is difficult. This app helps people in sobriety connect with each other, who are ready to potentially start a relationship. Coming from a small town, searching a longer distance can create opportunities for a connection!”. App Store Review. “This is a great way to meet people in the recovery community.

Everyone in Recovery Has Baggage (and You Need to Be Okay With That)

1. For people in recovery, who are given a new lease on life and who are told that their future is exciting and promising, the discovery that getting to know a match carries the same Pandora’s Box of heartbreak and disappointment can be particularly difficult to deal with.Dating without drinking entails accepting that even as other parts of life.
2. For some people, the easiest way to traverse the world of sober online dating may be to register with a site that is explicitly for people in recovery. If you go this route, the biggest challenge may be deciding which site(s) to use, based on a Google search of “sober dating sites” that turns up numerous options.
3. Finding a sober companion is difficult. This app helps people in sobriety connect with each other, who are ready to potentially start a relationship. Coming from a small town, searching a longer distance can create opportunities for a connection!”. App Store Review. “This is a great way to meet people in the recovery community.

Written by Lindsey Whittaker
Edited by Deb Kavis

It’s finally happened. You’ve met this perfect person who just gets you and with whom you have fun and can even see a future. Everything has been going so great. That is, until they tell you they’re sober – and not just sober but going to AA meetings and working the steps sober. Your mind is suddenly flooded with questions: Can this work? Is this even a good idea? How can I be a supportive partner? So. Many. Questions.

Dating someone in recovery when you’re not has its challenges; however, it’s not altogether impossible. If you really care about this person there are ways to work through it together.

Here are a few tips on how to navigate the world of dating someone in recovery:

Understanding and Empathy Are Key

Dan* has been sober for 25 years and married to his wife, Alana*, who is not sober, for 30 years.

“If you’re going to be with someone who is not sober when you are, make sure you find someone who is the most understanding person in the world. It sounds like an overstatement but it’s really not.”

Dating Sites For People In Recovery

This is likely your first experience being touched by the disease of addiction. You don’t know what it’s like to be so in love with but equally in hate with alcohol. As an adult, however, what you do know is pain and heartbreak. Think back to those times in your past when you experienced profoundly deep pain. Take those feelings and think of how you would have wanted to be treated or supported. These experiences don’t by any means amount to the exact same thing, but pain is, at the very least, relatable.

There is an Alcoholics Anonymous for Family Members

It’s called Al-Anon and if you’re really serious about making your relationship work it’s probably one of the best things you can do for yourself and your partner. Each meeting consists of a group of people who just like you love someone who is an alcoholic. Everyone shares their struggles, triumphs, and stories which helps them recover from the effects of their loved one’s drinking. Sharing is encouraged but not mandatory and just like a regular AA meeting, al-anon meetings are anonymous.

Find a meeting by searching theAl-Anon website or by calling 1-888-4AL-ANON.

Everyone in Recovery Has Baggage (and You Need to Be Okay With That)

Everyone has emotional baggage – even you! — but when you’re in recovery it can be a huge deterrent to dating.

Liz* shared her experience:

“Before I started dating my now husband, I was super up front with him about my past. I said I’ve done this, this, and this. If you’re not cool with that then I don’t think this is going to work. Which is a weird way to go about it but I just knew I wasn’t going to be okay being with someone who was going to make me feel like shit about my past. Take it or leave it.”

Keeping your search for sober singles within the confines of the AA community can work out much better. You’re more likely to find someone who will not only be accepting of your past but who can also relate to you from their own experiences. But – and this is a big but – you can start something with someone who is in AA even when you’re not. Liz’s honesty and openness may have made for an uncomfortable conversation, but transparency and sincerity are an important part of any relationship’s foundation, sober or not.

Be Prepared to Walk Away

Speaking of honesty, you need to know when your relationship is healthy and stable or if you must make the difficult decision to call it off, even if only temporarily.

For example, Jenna* started dating a guy in AA but after a few months, he started getting distant:

“Things were going really well then he started to pull away. I questioned him on this and he ultimately came clean with the fact that he is currently in AA and working on his 12 steps and has been discouraged by his sponsor to date.”

If your significant other needs to put their focus on recovery 110%, you should do anything you can to be supportive. That might mean having a real conversation about your role in their recovery, but it can also sometimes mean walking away from the situation. Despite your feelings, it can ultimately be the best thing for both of you. But no one can tell you if it’s a good idea. You kind of just have to follow your heart in such matters. Just be honest with yourself and with your partner and together you’ll make the right decision.

If online dating gives you the hankering for a stiff drink, you’re not alone. It’s only normal to feel nervous. Who wouldn’t feel nervous while advertising their mating potential on a virtual billboard that strangers will rate? (Make that a double scotch, please.)

Then there’s the assumption that drinking and dating need one another. It seems like a given that any first date will consist of drinks at the bar, like an unspoken rule of etiquette that nobody breaks.

Sobriety and Online Dating: Common Worries in Recovery
This reality can be intimidating if you’re among the 10 percent of adults in this country who say they’re in recovery from drug or alcohol addiction and for whom drinking is no longer a lifestyle. If you’re in this demographic, you may genuinely wonder whether your sober self will ever date or have sex again. It may also be hard to imagine getting to know someone in a romantic and potentially intimate way without alcohol. Or you may have worries about the how and when of sharing that you’re in recovery, especially when your online profile is a potential date’s first impression of you. The stigma of addiction can be hard to kick.

Single And Sober Dating Site

Such questions are natural and normal to ask when you’re in recovery. (My clients in substance abuse treatment voice many of the same concerns.) And they need to be answered on an individual basis: No single approach to sober online dating will work for everyone. You need to do what is right and comfortable for you.

How to Navigate Online Dating When in Recovery
That said, here are some ideas and tips for how to navigate the online dating world with your recovery and sense of humor intact, starting with the personal profile you create:

Be honest.
In the spirit of 12-step recovery, which emphasizes the importance of self-honesty, aim for truthfulness in how you present yourself. If a questionnaire asks you how much you drink, don’t let fear about what others might think keep you from checking the “Never” box. If someone has an issue with your not drinking, then they clearly aren’t the right person for you—and that’s okay. Similarly, you’ll need to be honest about the fact that you’re in recovery— although that ideally is best left for later and in person.

Describe what you like to do for fun.
Being sober doesn’t equate with being a bore. There are many ways to enjoy oneself that don’t involve alcohol. In fact, when you quit drinking you probably gained some new hobbies, interests, and pursuits in the process. Emphasize what you enjoy doing. Do you like hiking in the outdoors? Cooking? Watching old Seinfeld episodes? Make a list of the things that fill your free time—and that you could see yourself sharing with someone else.

Plan a low-key first date that’s not at the bar.
The goal is getting acquainted and gauging the chemistry. You can do that in a low-key and informal way that doesn’t involve alcohol: a walk in the park or meet-up at a coffee shop, for example. Or, maybe you first connected over a shared interest in bicycling, in which case you might go for a bike ride.

Young People In Recovery

Don’t wait too long to share that you’re in recovery.
If your first date turns into a couple more and you have an interest in a long-term relationship, now may be a good time to share that you’re in recovery. This vulnerability can be scary, but it also can build deeper love, connection, and intimacy. How the other person responds to your self-disclosure will be a great source of insight into your relationship potential.

Plan in advance how you’ll talk about your recovery, and as you plan, aim for self-disclosure that’s “short and sweet.”
If a new dating relationship has legs, there will be plenty of time in the future for all of the more gruesome details. Remember that by the second or third date, you’re still getting to know the other person (as they are you). Try to stick to the essentials and the positive lessons you’ve learned in recovery. If you’re feeling nervous about disclosing your recovery, it’s okay to let the other person know that, too.

Prepare yourself for rejection.
Understand that rejection is part of the online dating process, starting with the person whose profile you ping who doesn’t respond. If someone is going to reject you because of the fact that you don’t drink and are in recovery, it’s less painful to know that earlier on. (It’s also clear they’re not worth your time!) So try to take rejection in stride rather than personally, and as a character-building lesson rather than an opportunity to punish yourself.

Be yourself.
This can be easier said than done, but it’s freeing to remember that in sobriety you are closer to your true self than you ever were when high, drunk or in pursuit of drugs or alcohol. In addition to honesty about your recovery and the things you like to do for fun, “being yourself” involves connecting with what you’re feeling so that you can express these emotions when it’s necessary or appropriate.

Consider sober online dating sites.
For some people, the easiest way to traverse the world of sober online dating may be to register with a site that is explicitly for people in recovery. If you go this route, the biggest challenge may be deciding which site(s) to use, based on a Google search of “sober dating sites” that turns up numerous options.

With these tips in hand, you can rest assured that there are other solutions to the dilemma of sober online dating besides being chaste, lonely and/or single. Finding cyber romance is possible when you’re sober: it may even lead to a match made in heaven.

Anna Ciulla is the Clinical Director at Beach House Center for Recovery, where she is responsible for designing, implementing and supervising the delivery of the latest evidence-based therapies for treating substance use disorders. Anna has a passion for helping clients with substance use and co-occurring disorders achieve successful long-term recovery.

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